lonely

Being alone is more fun when it's optional.

I literally have not spoken to a single person I know all day (other than a brief Skype call sans video) and I only ventured out of my apartment once to spend about $400 fixing my car (oil change + new tires).  Not to mention, today's eight minute Hubby call is the only time I've spoken to him in three days.

I'm trying to be more positive and not complain so much but I'm so much worse when I don't get to talk to him. In comparison to how long he's been deployed, there's not much time left but communication's not great for the time that we do have remaining. His schedule's erratic, mine's always changing, and the only way we can talk is via Skype. In other words, if I'm not by my computer 24/7, I won't get to talk to him which sucks. Then I get army wife guilt if I miss his call and get super sad which I know is irrational. I also hate hate hate being that downer person all the time who makes my civilian friends/family feel awkward because they don't know what to say. I'm sorry guys, I don't know what you can say either, I just have to ride this one out.

Part of the problem with being a Guard wife is there is no military community, there is no support around here. I don't have someone to just call up and talk things over with. I don't have an FRG group meeting to look forward to, I've never even been contacted by the FRG. All of my family live at least an hour away. I'm completely isolated, stranded in the middle of city.

I can't wait for him to be back again so I won't have to be alone any longer.

I hate being a hermit.

world keeps on spinning, spinning, into the future

The more stressed I get, the more I miss my Hubby-love.

Time has been flying by lately (it's almost October!) which means that this deployment is finally coming to an end. And all I can think about is homecoming.

I want to plan everything and devote all my time/energy in its preparation. But I can't do that because of school and work which require all my attention right now. I wish I wasn't so crazybusy so I could focus on my upcoming reunion with my husband. But such is life. I should really get back to working on my homework...

nostalgic and excited

I miss him.
I miss his smile, his goofy faces, his laugh, the sound of his breathing as he sleeps beside me, the warmth of his hand around mine, everything.

I miss who I am when I'm with him, I miss being happy. I miss cooking, going for runs/walks together, watching movies together, redecorating/reorganizing our apartment, planning our future, annoying our cats.

I'm tired of doing it all alone. I'm tired of coming home to an empty apartment, eating alone, watching our shows alone, sleeping alone, waking up alone.

God give me strength and patience, I'm so over this deployment.

I realize that all may sound negative, but I don't mean it in that way. I'm actually just feeling nostalgic and excited for the future all at once.

I'm thinking about the little things I love about him and being his wife and I'm excited to have them all come back to me soon(ish).

We've been talking about taking a trip together when he's back as a sort of second honeymoon, so to speak, to have some special stress-free couple time again which we really need after all the stress of this past year.

I'm trying to think of somewhere cool for us to go that won't break the bank where we could do something we've never done before together. Somewhere fun, exciting, and away from everyone we know. And it has to be in the US because we didn't have a chance to get our passports over R&R so Mexico and the like are out unfortunately.

It's a lot to think about and I can't wait for it, wherever we end up going :)

back to school

So today was my first day of classes of my 5th semester in the nursing program, I'm finally in my last year baby! I can't wait to graduate, I'm tired of being in school already! I'm looking forward to my classes but this week is crazy as it always is in the beginning. This semester I have community health nursing, community health clinical, leadership & management in nursing, and intro to sociology (one of these is not like the others lol).

And as I've mentioned before, I'm sad to start another semester without my Hubby-love here although I'm excited that it's the last one we'll be apart for. We've been through so much together (well, technically apart) during this deployment but enough is enough and I want him back home!

Lucky for me, today was yet another thing I can cross off on my checklist of things that will happen before Hubby's back. Going back to school means I'm one step closer to him and I can't complain about that :)

post-R&R blues

I haven't blogged for awhile, it's just been busy here with work and my online summer class (which finally ended).

I said I'd blog more about R&R but I really don't feel like it.

It was wonderful and it's hard to talk about now that he's gone again. It was the happiest that I've been this year and I got used to be able to be with my husband again. It really sucked having to say goodbye again, I thought it wouldn't be that terrible but I really didn't want to let him go.

While he was here, we made some changes in our apartment (new furniture) and it's just not fair that he can't be here to enjoy our new things together. I got used to having my man around to help me with things and now I have to do them by myself again. There are a lot of things that a girl just can't do by herself and they just make me miss him more.

I know that I've only got a few more months without him, the worst is over, it's all downhill from here, ya, ya, ya but it's still sucky.

I'm getting ready to start another semester of nursing school without him and I hate that. I spend my nights alone (except for our 2 cats) and I hate that. I eat alone, watch tv alone, do everything alone and I hate it.

I just miss him and I'm still adjusting back to being used to be alone and unhappy. Sorry to be negative, but that's what's on my mind right now. This song's pretty insync with what I'm feeling.

(Funny enough, I just watched the official video for the first time and it's about the military, so perfect for my mood)

absence

Sorry for my absence, Hubby was home for R&R :)

It was lovely to see him, but it really sucks again now that he's gone. I had a taste of what it's like being happy again with my hubby and now I just have to get used to being alone and sad. We just got used to being with each other and then he had to leave again. There are traces of him everywhere to remind me that that man I've been Skyping with is real which makes me happy, but then I remember he's not home anymore.
I'll blog more about it later, thinking about it just makes me sad.

clueless comments and being selfish

Sometimes people don't really think before they speak or listen to what others say.

Telling me things like "Already? It seems like he just left!" or "Wow, that went by fast!" when I tell you that Hubby's R&R is coming up soon is not helpful.

He didn't just leave, he left last fall and I am very aware of how long it's been. And it doesn't seem like it's been a short time, it's been a very drawn out and painful experience. I have not seen him once this year. Every day I am constantly reminded of his absence and I spend every night praying for his safe return. Your carefree remarks were not intended to hurt my feelings or upset me but they do. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but you can hardly blame me in this situation.

Deployment's also turned me into a fierce guardian of any Hubby-time, I want to lock him up and keep him all to myself.

This is a short visit so we don't really have time to do a lot of things. It is also an unpredictable trip and unscheduled for that reason.

But just becauase we don't have anything scheduled doesn't mean we don't have plans.  And even though our plans may not be earthshattering (Hubby really wants to watch the new Transformers movie with me among other things), they are still our plans. And that's the way we like it :)

weird logic

Deployment has made me strange.

In all fairness, I've always been a little weird, but deployment's definitely increased my quirkiness to a new level.

Since I now spend a lot of time alone, I talk out loud to myself. Frequently. And not on purpose, I'll just randomly say something out loud. Even as I type, I've accidently said a few words. It's kinda embarrassing and I didn't do it before deployment.

But my main deployment-acquired quirk is my refusal to do certain chores without Hubby here.

Tasks that are simple and I could do myself, but for some reason I choose not to even though they need to be done. Nothing too gross, just little things that need to be done.

I'll give you an example- Hubby 's clock.
[I was going to post a picture but Blogger's not letting me...]

Hubby has this one giant wall clock that he's in love with. He bought it one day when he was out by himself and is always bragging about the clock to anyone that comes over. He thinks it really ties the room together (Big Lebowski anyone?).

Anyways, Hubby left for deployment last fall meaning that there was a time change (spring forward) a few months ago. But I've never changed the time on that clock.

For some weird reason, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to change it, I'm going to wait for R&R so he can change it. Don't ask me why, I'm not sure of my reasoning either because now it's a big giant reminder staring me in the face that he's not here to change it.

I also won't unclog my shower drain. It's not backed up in a gross way, but it could be moving faster. But I can't make myself do it because that has always been Hubby's job.

I won't detangle the hairs wrapped around the vaccuum cleaner brush either for the same reasons.

Weird and slightly disturbing, I know. But I guess that just comes with the territory.

I do take care of all the other miscellaneous chores around the apartment, but these three, I'm leaving up to him.

Lucky for me, Hubby's R&R is soon so I won't have to worry about these things much longer :)

just over the horizon

Sorry I haven't been on here much lately, I haven't felt much like blogging. As my mother nicely put it, I guess I've been wallowing a little bit.

I had a blast in Hawaii but everywhere were painful reminders that Hubby's not here but I was mostly able to overcome them since I was never really alone the whole time. Then I got home.

Don't get me wrong, I love being back in my apartment, I'm a bit of a homebody actually so I really missed being home. The first thing  I did when I got back was take a big ole long nap to recover from the redeye flight. Then I woke up and realized I was alone. Again. And it just made me really sad.

My kitties were really sweet and tried to console me (they even slept with me all night) but they just couldn't cheer me up. Their little warm bodies are not nearly the same size or temperature of the man I'd like to be laying beside.

So I've basically been in a funk because Hubby's not here and all my friends have been out of town for the summer or really busy. So I felt really isolated and alone.

But lucky for me, the clouds have finally started to part as Hubby's long-awaited R&R draws near. It's right there, just looming over the horizon, so close I can almost feel it. Yesterday was the first day that I've actually started to feel excited. Not that I wasn't before, it just seems more real and like it's actually going to happen now whereas before it was a distant dream.

I'm officially ending my pity party now.

For the past week, I've been lucky enough to be on vacation in Maui, Hawaii with my sister and dad.

Needless to say, it's been amazing, Maui is far more scenic and lovely than my apartment. Not to mention the weather here is beautiful, I love being able to just sit with the windows open, feel the ocean breeze caress my face, and listen to the lull of the waves.

I've also been running around doing tourist activities like snorkling, parasailing, and jetskiing.

"Snuba" diving!

I've never been to Maui before (that I remember) but I did go to Hawaii (the big island) last year for my honeymoon with Hubby.

Which looks pretty darn similar to Maui at times.

Great.

There are lots of couples everywhere who are clearly on vacation with each other without a care in the world. Their significant other is right there, not overseas in a dangerous situation. They can talk to each other and see each other whenever they want. They get to experience all sorts of fun activites together. They don't have to worry that if something went wrong, the last time they'd have seen each other was many months ago.

And I'm sitting here Hubby-less trying to stay positive and not be all mopey 'cause  he's not here. Which can only work for so long before I get sad or feel like karate-chopping those beezies in the throat so they'll quit making kissy faces. [But that's not very nice]

Lucky for me, it only takes a little thing on Hubby's part to completely make my day. Like Hubby calling me unexpectedly to say "I love you" or having a 30 second phone conversation even though he's running late on his way to work.

I can't wait to have these moments in person again. R&R is getting closer and closer but it feels so far away!

romantic airport scene

I've been working like crazy since school got out. I find that keeping busy really helps me get through this deployment because the less time I'm alone, the better.

I was doing okay until I depressed myself when went to the store and realized that I was buying cat food and a TV dinner for one. Like a crazy, lonely old cat lady. Which I've basically become. So then I was crying and miserable sitting here alone in my apartment eating my crappy dinner wishing Hubby was here.

Even though R&R is closer then it's ever been, it seems like it's getting further and further away. I guess I just had it in my brain that since it's summer, Hubby would be here. That we would be reunited and happy again. But he's not here because it's not time yet and so I sit here alone and cry about it. Lame.

I keep picturing what I like to call our romantic airport scene. You know the cliche. I arrive at the airport looking fabulous with the perfect position at the bottom of the escalator. I see various shoes coming down and then I see them- Hubby's boots. The rest of Hubby slowly comes into view as he scans the crowd then he turns his head and spots me. A huge smile bursts across his face and mine. He reaches the bottom of the stairs and I run into his arms. We hug, we kiss. Onlookers smile and clap and are happy for us. I gently touch his cheek as we gaze into each other's eyes and I feel at home again.

I miss that man so much, it's ridiculous.

2 years down, 1 to go!

I passed my last test of this semester yesterday (yay!) so I'm officially on summer break (well, at least until my summer class starts but still)!

When I first found out that I passed my mega-huge med-surg ATI test with a level 3 no less (level 2 is the minimum, 3 is the highest), I was so relieved. I felt this big worry weight lift from my shoulders and I was really happy.

Of course my next thought was instantly of Hubby and I started crying. Stupid, I know.

This is the first and only semester that he has not been here for at all and it was just a weird thought. He's been gone for parts of semesters before but never an entire one. I miss him a lot and this semester was really challenging without him here for moral support. He's always been here to remind me how hard I've worked, believe in me when I don't believe in myself, help me study, hug me when I cry, and cook me lots of food when I'm feeling stressed. Completing my 2nd year (out of 3) of nursing school without him here was just tough.

Most of the class went out for pizza after our test to celebrate and of course I was still emotional. One of the girls who is getting married this summer came with her fiancee and they are so cute, totally in love, and happy. And I've turned into this bitter old witch who cries and gets sad everytime I'm around couples in love. I could barely look at them without feeling the urge to cry and being jealous that she has her man here while my man is overseas. It's terrible and I hate feeling like that.  Luckily for me, my nursing class is amazing and everyone is super kind so when I started tearing up (so annoying in public), they were all very understanding and comforting. I'll miss seeing them all over summer.

On another note, today was my first official day of summer! I was lucky enough to have my mom come down to help me clean today because my place has gotten pretty messy with my crazy schedule and lack of Hubby's cleaning assistance. She was so wonderful and helped me to start whipping my place back into shape. I fully intend to have it all cleaned and organized for Hubby's upcoming R&R. We had just barely gotten unpacked and somewhat settled when Hubby deployed so I really want to surprise him by organizing our stuff to make the most out of our little apartment.

proud military spouse

As Hubby nicely put it, "You're really getting into this whole Army wife thing aren't you?"

He says this because I read military wife blogs, have military spouse friends, started watching Army Wives on Netflix, try to think of cool things to send in a care package (cupcakes in a jar anyone?), and I am now beginning to use the resources available to me such as the lovely books below.

My goodies from militaryonesource

I decided a long time ago to support my husband through this experience the best way I know how. And I'm getting better at it as time goes on.

So I guess I am getting into fulfilling the role of Army Wife.

When I was a part-time National Guard girlfriend/fiancee, the military only really affected me 2 weeks a year with one 3 month training thrown in for good measure (the one weekend a month was the same as him working as a civilian). But as a wife of a deployed soldier, I have been forced to get more aquainted with the military lifestyle and now, I can say that I'm an Army wife and feel like I deserve that title.

I have experienced the kind of love needed to sustain a relationship through these trials and it's made us stronger.

I know that I will continue to have bad days but I also know that those are fleeting.

I know now that I am capable of taking care of things on my own but I also know that I'm happiest when I'm with Hubby.

I will continue to educate myself to be the best wife left behind I can be.

I will continue to be strong and wait for him.

In short, I will do everything I can to be supportive of him and our relationship until I'm back in his arms again.

deployment woes

Blogspot was down yesterday so here's my post from  6:45pm last night

There are good days and bad days, happy days and sad days. Today was a sad day. The trouble is I love my husband too damn much, I want to be with him all the time and he’s not here. This deployment is like dealing with an addiction- just when you think you’ve conquered it (ie are functional and relatively happy), you relapse into sadness. Hubby’s been gone for 6 months and I just miss him like crazy.

My non-military friends and family try to be comforting, but they don’t understand. Yeah, technically it should all be downhill from here, but deployment’s not something that works that way. It’s sneaky, the pain of it is always there under the surface until you hit a riptide and get pulled under again. You go through cycles where you’re okay and on your way to recovery but then something triggers the sadness again and you have to wallow around for awhile.

I’ve been trying really hard to be more positive about this whole thing and I was doing pretty good but today, I don’t want to try. I just want to mope and have a pity party.

Even though the whole song doesn’t fit, I offer you these lyrics from Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Addendum: I love my friends. As I was sitting here moping and typing this up,  my best nursing friend randomly called me up because she won tickets to go see the premiere of  Bridesmaids (the movie) tonight at midnight and invited me to go with her.

It’s kind of suiting for us too; we both got married last summer so we spent a lot of time planning our weddings together so a comedy about a wedding is perfect. I’m still upset and sad, but I know that going out with a friend is a better option than sitting alone surrounded by cats wearing his boxers and looking for any evidence that he was here. So I’ll do what I do best- smile and hope the endorphins can make me feel better.

finished clinicals and feeling good

I'm officially done with clinicals this semester yay! Now I've only got one paper, finals, and ATIs (standardized nursing tests we take at the end of every semester to prepare for the state board NCLEX) left before I'm done with 4th semester. So stoked! As a treat, my clinical group went out for lunch after our day was over at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'd never been there before and I'm an indecisive eater anyways, so trying to pick from all their sauces took me forever! But it was delicious and once it was over, I drove myself to Raley's to get a piece of chocolate cake because I deserve it :)

On a different note, I've been thinking a lot about this deployment today. Even though it totally sucks most of the time, I'm trying to be more positive about it. Like how this deployment has just reaffirmed what I already knew- Hubby is truly the guy for me and I love him to death. Even just hearing his voice for a 30 second check-in (Hi, I love you, I'll call you later, Bye) makes me smile and feel all warm and gooey inside. I just melt. If we get to Skype, I can't help but just stare at him and wonder how I got so lucky. Absence does make the heart grow founder.