babies & birth control

One of my dear deployment friends is having her baby shower this weekend so I decided to buy her a present from Babies R Us.

I always forget how massive that store is and how expensive babies are! Diapers, bottles, carseats, cribs, stuffed animals...they all add up! I always like to joke that it's good birth control to see how pricey everything is.

And yet I always find myself fantasing about pregnancy and having babies with my husband when I leave the store.

Both of us have had the "baby bug" for quite some time now, but the plan is to wait until I'm established in my future nursing job, meaning it'll be at least a year from now before we start trying. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it can feel like one.

We've both always wanted children young and, thanks to things like facebook, it's tough to keep waiting when so many people we know or went to school with already have kids. I get so jealous of all their baby-related posts, I want that for myself!  I guess it's a good thing he's not here right now so we don't make any rash choices haha.

2 years down, 1 to go!

I passed my last test of this semester yesterday (yay!) so I'm officially on summer break (well, at least until my summer class starts but still)!

When I first found out that I passed my mega-huge med-surg ATI test with a level 3 no less (level 2 is the minimum, 3 is the highest), I was so relieved. I felt this big worry weight lift from my shoulders and I was really happy.

Of course my next thought was instantly of Hubby and I started crying. Stupid, I know.

This is the first and only semester that he has not been here for at all and it was just a weird thought. He's been gone for parts of semesters before but never an entire one. I miss him a lot and this semester was really challenging without him here for moral support. He's always been here to remind me how hard I've worked, believe in me when I don't believe in myself, help me study, hug me when I cry, and cook me lots of food when I'm feeling stressed. Completing my 2nd year (out of 3) of nursing school without him here was just tough.

Most of the class went out for pizza after our test to celebrate and of course I was still emotional. One of the girls who is getting married this summer came with her fiancee and they are so cute, totally in love, and happy. And I've turned into this bitter old witch who cries and gets sad everytime I'm around couples in love. I could barely look at them without feeling the urge to cry and being jealous that she has her man here while my man is overseas. It's terrible and I hate feeling like that.  Luckily for me, my nursing class is amazing and everyone is super kind so when I started tearing up (so annoying in public), they were all very understanding and comforting. I'll miss seeing them all over summer.

On another note, today was my first official day of summer! I was lucky enough to have my mom come down to help me clean today because my place has gotten pretty messy with my crazy schedule and lack of Hubby's cleaning assistance. She was so wonderful and helped me to start whipping my place back into shape. I fully intend to have it all cleaned and organized for Hubby's upcoming R&R. We had just barely gotten unpacked and somewhat settled when Hubby deployed so I really want to surprise him by organizing our stuff to make the most out of our little apartment.

thank God for friends

God has a plan for me and that is just the most reassuring thought ever.

He has been so great and blessed me by allowing me to be a part of a nursing class that is mostly Christian to help me with my struggles with this deployment, school, and other challenges.

Tonight, two of my nursing friends invited me to attend their bible study and I was excited to go. The bible study ended up being cancelled but we went to a local coffee shop instead to have our own bible study and reflect on His word which actually was lovely as it was a more intimate setting.

Colossians 3:15 really spoke to me- "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

I have not been giving enough thanks lately and that is something I am working on.

My all time favorite bible verse is Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

It's so good to know that someone's looking out for me :)

deployment woes

Blogspot was down yesterday so here's my post from  6:45pm last night

There are good days and bad days, happy days and sad days. Today was a sad day. The trouble is I love my husband too damn much, I want to be with him all the time and he’s not here. This deployment is like dealing with an addiction- just when you think you’ve conquered it (ie are functional and relatively happy), you relapse into sadness. Hubby’s been gone for 6 months and I just miss him like crazy.

My non-military friends and family try to be comforting, but they don’t understand. Yeah, technically it should all be downhill from here, but deployment’s not something that works that way. It’s sneaky, the pain of it is always there under the surface until you hit a riptide and get pulled under again. You go through cycles where you’re okay and on your way to recovery but then something triggers the sadness again and you have to wallow around for awhile.

I’ve been trying really hard to be more positive about this whole thing and I was doing pretty good but today, I don’t want to try. I just want to mope and have a pity party.

Even though the whole song doesn’t fit, I offer you these lyrics from Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Addendum: I love my friends. As I was sitting here moping and typing this up,  my best nursing friend randomly called me up because she won tickets to go see the premiere of  Bridesmaids (the movie) tonight at midnight and invited me to go with her.

It’s kind of suiting for us too; we both got married last summer so we spent a lot of time planning our weddings together so a comedy about a wedding is perfect. I’m still upset and sad, but I know that going out with a friend is a better option than sitting alone surrounded by cats wearing his boxers and looking for any evidence that he was here. So I’ll do what I do best- smile and hope the endorphins can make me feel better.