romantic airport scene

I've been working like crazy since school got out. I find that keeping busy really helps me get through this deployment because the less time I'm alone, the better.

I was doing okay until I depressed myself when went to the store and realized that I was buying cat food and a TV dinner for one. Like a crazy, lonely old cat lady. Which I've basically become. So then I was crying and miserable sitting here alone in my apartment eating my crappy dinner wishing Hubby was here.

Even though R&R is closer then it's ever been, it seems like it's getting further and further away. I guess I just had it in my brain that since it's summer, Hubby would be here. That we would be reunited and happy again. But he's not here because it's not time yet and so I sit here alone and cry about it. Lame.

I keep picturing what I like to call our romantic airport scene. You know the cliche. I arrive at the airport looking fabulous with the perfect position at the bottom of the escalator. I see various shoes coming down and then I see them- Hubby's boots. The rest of Hubby slowly comes into view as he scans the crowd then he turns his head and spots me. A huge smile bursts across his face and mine. He reaches the bottom of the stairs and I run into his arms. We hug, we kiss. Onlookers smile and clap and are happy for us. I gently touch his cheek as we gaze into each other's eyes and I feel at home again.

I miss that man so much, it's ridiculous.

2 years down, 1 to go!

I passed my last test of this semester yesterday (yay!) so I'm officially on summer break (well, at least until my summer class starts but still)!

When I first found out that I passed my mega-huge med-surg ATI test with a level 3 no less (level 2 is the minimum, 3 is the highest), I was so relieved. I felt this big worry weight lift from my shoulders and I was really happy.

Of course my next thought was instantly of Hubby and I started crying. Stupid, I know.

This is the first and only semester that he has not been here for at all and it was just a weird thought. He's been gone for parts of semesters before but never an entire one. I miss him a lot and this semester was really challenging without him here for moral support. He's always been here to remind me how hard I've worked, believe in me when I don't believe in myself, help me study, hug me when I cry, and cook me lots of food when I'm feeling stressed. Completing my 2nd year (out of 3) of nursing school without him here was just tough.

Most of the class went out for pizza after our test to celebrate and of course I was still emotional. One of the girls who is getting married this summer came with her fiancee and they are so cute, totally in love, and happy. And I've turned into this bitter old witch who cries and gets sad everytime I'm around couples in love. I could barely look at them without feeling the urge to cry and being jealous that she has her man here while my man is overseas. It's terrible and I hate feeling like that.  Luckily for me, my nursing class is amazing and everyone is super kind so when I started tearing up (so annoying in public), they were all very understanding and comforting. I'll miss seeing them all over summer.

On another note, today was my first official day of summer! I was lucky enough to have my mom come down to help me clean today because my place has gotten pretty messy with my crazy schedule and lack of Hubby's cleaning assistance. She was so wonderful and helped me to start whipping my place back into shape. I fully intend to have it all cleaned and organized for Hubby's upcoming R&R. We had just barely gotten unpacked and somewhat settled when Hubby deployed so I really want to surprise him by organizing our stuff to make the most out of our little apartment.

finals

Can I just say finals suck?
I've got 2 finals tomorrow and an ATI on Wednesday (nursing test we have to pass to move on to the next semester). This ATI is on Medical Surgical nursing and a whole year's worth (2 semesters) of material.

You know a test is hard when the "Cliff Notes" study guide is over 1200 pages.

I read the whole thing and I still don't feel prepared, ugh! Wish me luck!

proud military spouse

As Hubby nicely put it, "You're really getting into this whole Army wife thing aren't you?"

He says this because I read military wife blogs, have military spouse friends, started watching Army Wives on Netflix, try to think of cool things to send in a care package (cupcakes in a jar anyone?), and I am now beginning to use the resources available to me such as the lovely books below.

My goodies from militaryonesource

I decided a long time ago to support my husband through this experience the best way I know how. And I'm getting better at it as time goes on.

So I guess I am getting into fulfilling the role of Army Wife.

When I was a part-time National Guard girlfriend/fiancee, the military only really affected me 2 weeks a year with one 3 month training thrown in for good measure (the one weekend a month was the same as him working as a civilian). But as a wife of a deployed soldier, I have been forced to get more aquainted with the military lifestyle and now, I can say that I'm an Army wife and feel like I deserve that title.

I have experienced the kind of love needed to sustain a relationship through these trials and it's made us stronger.

I know that I will continue to have bad days but I also know that those are fleeting.

I know now that I am capable of taking care of things on my own but I also know that I'm happiest when I'm with Hubby.

I will continue to educate myself to be the best wife left behind I can be.

I will continue to be strong and wait for him.

In short, I will do everything I can to be supportive of him and our relationship until I'm back in his arms again.

thank God for friends

God has a plan for me and that is just the most reassuring thought ever.

He has been so great and blessed me by allowing me to be a part of a nursing class that is mostly Christian to help me with my struggles with this deployment, school, and other challenges.

Tonight, two of my nursing friends invited me to attend their bible study and I was excited to go. The bible study ended up being cancelled but we went to a local coffee shop instead to have our own bible study and reflect on His word which actually was lovely as it was a more intimate setting.

Colossians 3:15 really spoke to me- "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

I have not been giving enough thanks lately and that is something I am working on.

My all time favorite bible verse is Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

It's so good to know that someone's looking out for me :)

what I'm listening to today- that's how strong my love is

I love this song, makes me think of Hubby

If I was the sun way up there
I'd go with love most everywhere
I'll be the moon when the sun goes down
Just to let you know that I'm still around
That's how strong my love is, oh
That's how strong my love is,
That's how strong my love is, baby, baby,
That's how strong my love is.

I'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears
You can go swimming when you're here
I'll be the rainbow when the tears are gone
Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm
That's how strong my love is, darling,
That's how strong my love is, baby,
That's how strong my love is, oooh,
That's how strong my love is.

I'll be the ocean so deep and wide
I'll get out the tears whenever you cry,
I'll be the breeze after the storm is gone
To dry your eyes and love you warm

That's how strong my love is, baby,
That's how strong my love is,
That's how strong my love is, darling,
That's how strong my love is,

That's how strong my love is, so deep in,
Well, that's how strong my love is
So much love, yes so much love, oohh,
Yes so much love, yes so much love,
Anything that I can do, I'll be good for you,
Any kind of love you want, I'll be with you

nail polish and old movies

Fun fact about nursing programs- you can't wear nail polish when you have clinicals (which is when you're working in the hospital as a student nurse). The reason for this rule is that nail polish disguises dirty nails and keeps bacteria in the chips of polish so it's not allowed.
Back in the days before nursing, I used to always have nail polish on. Always. Like wearing the same polish until there's only 1 small fleck of polish left on a few nails kind of always. So I was sad when they told us no nail polish during clinicals.

Of course, now that I'm finished with clinicals for this semester, I decided to paint my nails. And I chose a lovely shade of red called red to tango. Just because it's cute, bright, and summery. Also because I've been on a Marilyn Monroe/old movie kick lately and they had the cutest red nails in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

I'm very excited about my red nails even though I cannot paint them to save my life. I have been painting my nails for years and years yet I still get polish everywhere, smudge my nails when they're wet, smear off entire nails, and imbed cat hair into the wet polish. It's really quite amusing. But I don't care because it's nice to have pretty colored nails for once (once all the excess polish comes off that is).

Exhibit A...the nails I painted with my dominant hand.
Hubby said it looks like I have dried blood on my hands. Thanks honey.

Score one for me.

deployment woes

Blogspot was down yesterday so here's my post from  6:45pm last night

There are good days and bad days, happy days and sad days. Today was a sad day. The trouble is I love my husband too damn much, I want to be with him all the time and he’s not here. This deployment is like dealing with an addiction- just when you think you’ve conquered it (ie are functional and relatively happy), you relapse into sadness. Hubby’s been gone for 6 months and I just miss him like crazy.

My non-military friends and family try to be comforting, but they don’t understand. Yeah, technically it should all be downhill from here, but deployment’s not something that works that way. It’s sneaky, the pain of it is always there under the surface until you hit a riptide and get pulled under again. You go through cycles where you’re okay and on your way to recovery but then something triggers the sadness again and you have to wallow around for awhile.

I’ve been trying really hard to be more positive about this whole thing and I was doing pretty good but today, I don’t want to try. I just want to mope and have a pity party.

Even though the whole song doesn’t fit, I offer you these lyrics from Addicted by Kelly Clarkson

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Addendum: I love my friends. As I was sitting here moping and typing this up,  my best nursing friend randomly called me up because she won tickets to go see the premiere of  Bridesmaids (the movie) tonight at midnight and invited me to go with her.

It’s kind of suiting for us too; we both got married last summer so we spent a lot of time planning our weddings together so a comedy about a wedding is perfect. I’m still upset and sad, but I know that going out with a friend is a better option than sitting alone surrounded by cats wearing his boxers and looking for any evidence that he was here. So I’ll do what I do best- smile and hope the endorphins can make me feel better.

finished clinicals and feeling good

I'm officially done with clinicals this semester yay! Now I've only got one paper, finals, and ATIs (standardized nursing tests we take at the end of every semester to prepare for the state board NCLEX) left before I'm done with 4th semester. So stoked! As a treat, my clinical group went out for lunch after our day was over at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'd never been there before and I'm an indecisive eater anyways, so trying to pick from all their sauces took me forever! But it was delicious and once it was over, I drove myself to Raley's to get a piece of chocolate cake because I deserve it :)

On a different note, I've been thinking a lot about this deployment today. Even though it totally sucks most of the time, I'm trying to be more positive about it. Like how this deployment has just reaffirmed what I already knew- Hubby is truly the guy for me and I love him to death. Even just hearing his voice for a 30 second check-in (Hi, I love you, I'll call you later, Bye) makes me smile and feel all warm and gooey inside. I just melt. If we get to Skype, I can't help but just stare at him and wonder how I got so lucky. Absence does make the heart grow founder.

procrastination

Today was my last full clinical day of Adult Health II aka Advanced Med/Surg clinical. I'm so glad this semester is almost over, it's notoriously one of the toughest ones in the nursing program because we have 2 clinicals instead of just one. It's also been a tough one for me personally because this is my first college semester without my husband here. For the last 3 weeks I have had med/surg clinicals 2 days a week, class one full day a week, mental health clinical once a week, working at my job (I work in an ER as a scribe meaning I follow the doctors around to do their charting) 1-2 days a week, and picking my patients the night before med/surg clinical so I can stay up late working on careplans and looking up meds. It's been fun.

Usually I can deal with my crazy schedule except for one thing- I procrastinate. Terribly. If I'm doing homework I always end up on facebook, youtube, you name it. My new terrible habit is online shopping, I'm addicted to looking through etsy and amazon, sometimes without even intending to buy anything.

(I thought this mug was funny)

Just the other day I spent 3 hours on anthropologie, a lovely store I wish I could afford to shop in, just looking around. It all started with my obsession to acquire a sugar bowl because I've decided my life isn't complete without one...but I digress.

I didn't always procrastinate, back in high school I actually managed my time so that I wouldn't let things get backed up. My first year in college I also was able to just sit down and study. I blame the nursing program for my bad habits now, I'm just so burned out from taking classes year-round (fall, winter, spring, summer and repeat) to finish my degree in 4 years that I have a really hard time focusing.

I know it's cliche, but you really don't know what you got 'til it's gone. I didn't realize it at the time but Hubby really does help me study. When he's home, I usually work on homework while he plays Xbox on his spot on the couch next to me. He can see my computer from his vantage point and so if he catches me on youtube or whatever, he redirects me back to my homework. I used to joke with him that when he left I wouldn't get anything done and sadly, it's kind of true. I still have my obsessive "good grades" that all us nursing folks have, but it takes me 10x as long to write a measly 3 page paper than it used to. And now when I'm struck by a couch potato virus on my day off (ha, off), there's no one here to make me mac n cheese (Hubby's obsessed with it) because whenever I try to make it the sauce turns out watery. Sadness. At least I've extracted a promise from him that when he's back, he owes me a million chick flicks and date nights :)

introductions and new beginnings

Well I've never tried blogging before but here goes!

First an introduction- I'm a 20 year old Christian nursing student with 1 full year left to go in a 3 year BSN program and the wife of a currently deployed National Guard soldier-man. I'm 6 months into this deployment and I cannot wait for him to come back! When I have time, I love to read, listen to music, watch movies, bake, and hang out with my friends.

About the Mr.- He's a 23 year old National Guard soldier who is currently playing with flying machines overseas in the sandbox. We met at work when I was a high school senior and Hubby had just returned from his AIT. I always said I'd never be serious with anyone who I dated in high school so luckily for me, Hubby and I started dating the day after I graduated.

Together we have 2 kitties who are very vocal and the sweetest handful ever. I decided to try my hand at blogging after reading a million military wife blogs to help get me through this deployment!

For those who may be wondering, I took my title from this poem-

ring the bells that can still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in
-leonard cohen

love it.